I think "gay" is a culture based on a variety of sexual orientations (homosexual, bi-, pan-, etc.), rather than an orientation itself.
So when someone tells you that you're "too gay" or "not gay enough," what they're really doing is assessing your cultural attunement. They're implicitly requesting you lessen or increase your participation in gay culture -- those behaviors, customs, arts, etc. that help make life more meaningful.
Decoupling culture from orientation in this way might make it easier to maintain your deep well of confidence and intuitive sense that everything about you is right and beautiful. That this feedback likely has less to do with you than them, and underneath it is some unmet need that is probably not all that threatening to your identity.
